I get loadsa spam me. So I got this program to seek out and destroy the spam. I dont think its working quite as well as it could though. Today it deleted 1800 emails (I've been away 24 hours) and after applying it's next generation, highly sophisticated artificial intelligence spamproof filters, it let one through which it judged as legitimate.
Sender: RC Template Coffee
Subject: big dildo anal extreme penetration and fucking

Some years ago I was entrusted with the guardianship of a magic artefact. A guitar. A good friend Kenners lent me his talisman on an open ended relaxed kinda lendy arrangement. A special guitar - the Louisiana voodo charm - the winning boys magic. A tool. Pure Fucking Rock. The best guitar player of our generation, one Paul Rose of Barnsley, who had had a previous intimate relationship with this exact guitar said of it: 'Fuck's sake Ewan, it fucking plays its self! Gis a bake I'm reet bolloxed.'
So I accepted trusteeship of the guitar knowing that it wielded enormous power to do good. In a world that needed its power so desperately. Where musical attrocities were being comitted on a daily basis, it fell to me to wield the power, fight the good fight, and save music for ever.

Imagine the weight of responsibility. Its like having the atom bomb at your disposal during the second world war. Or the One Ring. Its like being chosen as Arthus King of the Britons, and expected to unite the Land under Excalibur. Its like pocket aces with an ace to the board on the final table at the WSOP and Johnny Chan has just gone all-in. Its like being a Jedi Knight with a fully charged up lightsabre and all the mindtricks, down your local when some thug starts slapping his poor Doris, and you just sit there watching because you're not sure whats right and wrong, and is it any of your business, and...  If you dont live up to your potential right here and now, and do the right thing, this instant, then you know you're gona feel sick about it for the rest of your life, and history is going to judge you as ...
Anyways - I used the guitar a lot. I busted out some tasty licks. Lets face it - with this guitar even Val Doonican could shred like a mofo.  I even played on some big stages with it, and recorded a lot of the Reactor album with it... but... I didn't save the world. Yet. I just need more time. Come on !!!
This guitar is Narsil - the sword that was broken and reforged. You will respect its authoritaaaaa !!!

 

Ewan: Anyone out there got a pet?
Only a few select people are actually party to the fact that I do, in fact, live cheek by jowl with an fluffy animal creature.
His name is Mr Foofoo, and he is a grey/white netherland lop. Which means he is a bunny. And he is definitely a he. He is fully intact and keen to demonstrate his boy bunny credentials whenever an opportunity should arise. But he is forgiven. He sleeps in the garden at night, in his predator-proof Foofy-house. He goes by many names, of which Mr Foofoo is but one...

Foofster
Herr Foofs
The Foofer
Foofoolicky
Rufus Foofus
Il Fooferinio
Foofaloo
Foofi Wan Kenobi
Mr Noofs
The Foofer Noofer
Foofinder Gee
etc...

This actual Noofer, and all other bunsters of his specie, are not rodents but lagomorphs, apparently close relatives of the horse. Yet my Foofs is the posessor of an intellect that way exceeds the reasoning capacity of the average equine bonce. He wasn't born yesterday, and he knows what side his bread is buttered on. He is after all a London bunny, so he has aquired a certain level of street sense which may keep him out of trouble when the shit hits the fan. He even knows the difference between a dog and a fox. Which is a lesson I can't seem to learn...

Life is short. And death is certain.
Check out Beethoven's Fifth Symphony for a more succinct explaination.
Beethoven had something to say. But he mostly did instrumentals. Poor bugger was all messed up about Clara Schuman, who was unfortunately already married to another composer, Mr Schuman.
So I have taken a small liberty with the dead man's tune, and written some lyrics for Beethovens fifth.
Sing along - you all know the tune:

YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . 
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . YOU'RE GONNA DIE
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . YOU'RE GONNA DIE
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .
YOU'RE GONNA FUCK . . ING  . . DIE!

YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .
YOU'RE FUCKING DYING
YOU'RE FUCKING DYING
YOU'RE FUCKING DYING, FUCKING DYING, FUCKING DYING, FUCKING DYING, GONNA DIE!
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .
YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . . YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .  YOU'RE GONNA DIE . . .
etc. It just gets better and better

I think Beethoven was better most of the shat in the charts today. Who is with me?

As some of you may be aware by now, I've always been in love with Kate Moss. If you're a boy in a band then Kate is the answer to all your dreams. A date with Kate could thrust a hapless media zero like me straight to tabloid hero overnight. A-list celebrity gatekeeper, she's also super hot, and a fun girl to be with apparently...

But my connection with Her is even more spiritual. I bought the original Face magazine feature that launched her, way back way back when I was 17 and she was still naughty jailbait proudly parading her perfect self in wet see thru cheesecloth along some black & white fantasy beach scenario.
My fate was forever sealed. So I had to write a song about it. Here it is:

Kate.mp3

Ewan

You gotta know when to hold 'em,
Know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away, and
Know when to run

So - they dont sell magic mushrooms in the local headshop anymore apparently. Not since July 18th anyway. Theyre illegal now. Like... oooh... illegal.... The proprietor, an old sonambulistic ratty man who occasionally wakes up just in time to overcharge some poor greenback for redundant bong technology, today informed me that psychedelic shrooms have recently become the target of a little witch-hunt by the grey men of westminster.
These innocent fungi, who have lived on this planet quite happily for millions of years before we mammals even thought of evolving, and who have until late been a welcome guest at many foward thinking social gathering, have been designated as 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' by Tony Blair's 'more sensible than thou' crackpot amoral 'government'. No big deal? Think again. This is a declaration of war. What if the tables were turned? Just imagine the headlines in the Sun if a 'yet to be discovered' type of mushroom were to outlaw the human species and make our very existence a crime. What if  humanity itself were deemed to be 'a bit too trippy' for the weak stomaches and minds of the children of the prime-minister of shroom world to deal with? I'm really annoyed about this one, partly because smug murdering tories dressed up as godly Labour statesmen shouldnt interfere with my buzz, but mostly cos there were at least two kinds I still havn't had a go on yet.
So - anyone know any trippy legal drugs that actually work?

 Ok so it's Tuesday. But it was a bank holiday yesterday which makes today feel even more like Monday. Anyway what the hell am i talking about? What have you all been doing??

Hi Pete - thanks for your message dude. Your site looks good and and it's great to see you're out and about doing some gigs. Keep in touch about what's going on with you guys.

We've been busily expanding our online tentacles - you can get the album from i-tunes now and several other download sites are releasing it over the coming weeks. We will also be putting up more individual tracks for download here on reactorsite -  watch this space...

A big YEAH to our friends in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and various parts of Eastern Europe. The Lynx ad is on there now so hopefully you've all been feeling the love and smelling like ....

Rock'n'Roll!
Dave

Enough of Kate already - skinny airhead doesnt know a good thing when she sees one. I was hoping for a centre page spread on Reactor in the Sun by now, or at least a memorable shag. See what happens when you put your faith in celebrity chicks? No more Kate songs. No, no, no. Don't beg darling its so tedious.
Feeling kinda messed up at the moment. I lost a friend today. Actually thats not true, she died in a car crash over a year ago, but I only found out today from her sister. She kept saying: " its alright, its alright" but its not alright. Its a fucking shitty thing. Harrie was too young to die - too beautiful, too talented. She was a fearless artist and performer, dancer, actress, sculptress. She had more balls than any of the blokes I know, and she lived her life so hard, at such a pace, that the world could not keep up with her.
I just wish I had something real to remember her by. Just something she made - or a t-shirt she wore - anything. Something real that would remind me who she was. Just not... nothing. I cant think of her as nothing. She is more than that. Why couldn't I say any of this too her when she was alive?

I'm sick of reading that ugly whats his face, from that band who's name I cant remember, going on about how he's going to marry Kate Moss and all that rubbish. Back off buddy - she's taken. You're a loser and I'm not even a little bit jealous of you. Anyway, I wrote a song for her ages ago before you even dreamed of being a dickhead, you dickhead. I'm gona sort out the chorus a bit, and record mine before you record yours, and its gonna be better, and Kate's gonna be in the video, and we're gonna go out, and fall in love, and get married, and live happily ever after, and have 3 more gorgeous kids, and, and, and,... Anyway, here it is:

I can't escape my fate,
I'm still in love with Kate.
My schoolboy super-model fantasy.

The only girl for me,
Since nineteen ninety three,
Though I couldn't claim to know her personally.

If we should ever meet,
I'd sweep her off her feet,
She'd fall for me just like I fell for she.

I'd ask her on a date,
And swear not to be late,
'Cos I don't think that Kate should wait for me.

-------------------------------
(Chorus)
Kate you're great.
Much better than my other mates.
They state you're fake,
But they don't make my heartstrings ache like you...
Do...
-------------------------------

Too famous for the pub,
We'd go to fancy clubs,
Where only ce-le-bre-ties are allowed.

They'd all watch me arrive,
With Katie by my side,
She's beautiful and I'd be very proud.

We'd stay out all night long,
Slow dancing to my song,
And laughing at the irony of fame.

Then back to an hotel,
Luxurious as hell,
To fill the bathtub up with good champagne

-------------------------------
Kate you're great.
Much better than my other mates.
They state you're fake,
But they don't make my heartstrings ache like you...
Do...
-------------------------------

Don't think I'm being bold,
But everyone grows old,
When she turns 50 I'll be 53

Though softer to the touch,
I'd love her just as much,
We'll find the way to age disgracefully

-------------------------------
Kate you're great.
Much better than my other mates.
For goodness sake
Don't you know you know that you're the one for me...
See...
-------------------------------

(copyright Ewan O'Brien 2004)